The words “do not seek their own” or selfish hung over me all day. They convicted me. I felt the Holy Spirit saying don’t move on. This one is a biggie for you. I love to help others. But I have realized that I have expectations. I grow a little bitter and resentful if those I help don’t live up to my expectations.
I started thinking about those embers of resentment, the anger and even the hurt feelings that grow just under the surface. They fester in my mind. I care about the person, but a hedge grows.
Let me explain.
Those times when you feel pressured to give money to a friend. They tell you their health is failing and ask for help with their bills because they are paying for medical. You know you don’t have it to give, but you can’t leave the family hurting. You charge it on a credit card or you empty the coin jar to find the money to help. Then a few weeks later you see them driving a new “used” car that didn’t come cheap.
Resentment grows.
Or on a lesser front. You are there for your friend. They say they need you and there you are. You care and you try to be there. Then you want them to help you. Just be there for your or to work on a project with you. Suddenly, they can’t do it. They are busy or not interested. They decide to not be their for you.
I step into situations not meaning for it to be about me, but then later I realize I had expectations. I expected them to not waste money after asking me for help. I expect them to be there for me if I have been there for them.
The ‘I expect’ is the problem. Agape, I expect, should not have the selfishness of ‘I expect’ connected to the love. The I expect is selfish.
I don’t believe you have to be a doormat. I mean Jesus doesn’t give us everything we want. And when we don’t handle what he gives appropriately, God does not give us more. But God cares about us even in the limitations. My expects are not about the other person. It is not about setting boundries. It is about why are you not living up to my expectations.
I spent the day thinking about this issue.
I am like Paul in Romans 7. ” For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” I want to be the person who loves without seeking self, but the reality is I am selfish and expect specific behavior when I give to others, or care for others, or do for others.
The one who has never let me down is Jesus. I love Jesus because He first loved me. He sought me when I was not looking for Him. When I messed up, He brought me back. He walks with me and cares for me. Jesus loves me. Jesus gives to me. All I have is His.
Today, I realized to love with Agape, I have to love others as if they are Jesus. If He wants me to care for someone, then it does not matter what they do, because Jesus always meets my expectations. Maybe it is not totally selfless. I mean I am loving Jesus because He loves me. I am loving the other person because Jesus first loved me.
Matthew 25:37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
For me, the only way to love with Agape love which does not self seek is to see Jesus in them. To ask Jesus what I should do, and then any thing I do for my friends, my neighbors, the strangers who pass through my life is my gift to Christ. I owe Him everything. I want to give Him my all.
In addition, at this moment, any ill feelings I am harboring in the back of my mind for people who have not lived up to my standards have to be let go. I forgive them any slight they may have done me. I need so much forgiveness from God and from others in my life. I want mercy.
Matthew 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Fourth Day Adventures 